Archive for October 25, 2015

Why do we hate boobies?
In which I Will Not Diet officially becomes NSFW

 

bfb

Okay, we all knew this was coming. From the second I started blogging here this post was on the horizon, biding its time until it could finally strike this unsuspecting blog and its innocent readers. [Editor’s note—you know what, Rachel? I honestly didn’t know this was coming. But I’m so glad it is.] So here it is everybody—my titty post.

0perky

Boobs are, obviously, fantastic. Everybody likes them. Straight men, gay women, gay men, and straight women—everybody loves the tits. It’s a fact. It’s a universal constant. And the general logic with boobies is the bigger the better.

However, allow me to bring in my unpopular opinion… I think that big boobs are going out of style.

“Bwaaa?” you say, possibly doing a spit take. “But everybody likes big boobs!”

And, of course, ostensibly that’s true. I, for instance, love me some big boobs. One of the few victories I have in the world of siblings is that I have the biggest boobs of my three sisters. (I mean, they’re both A-Cups, but still.)

But I think it’s becoming increasingly apparent that, while society may talk a big talk about loving big boobs, they don’t do a whole lot to show that love.

00calm

I got to thinking about this primarily because of a recent episode of Project Runway. Or, to be more specific, several episodes of Project Runway.

See, every season of Project Runway has at least one challenge where the contestants have to design a dress for a woman who is (GASP) not a supermodel.

And every times this happens (even though this happens every damn season and the designers should clearly see it coming) there is at least one contestant who looks at their average-sized woman and proclaims something to the effect of “What? I have to sew around boobs?!?!?

And the justification they always end up making is that they’ve never had to sew for average-sized women before! And boobs are hard! And why can’t I just keep making clothes for flat-chested size double zeros forever?

And they never seem to find it concerning they they’ve gone their whole career without ever making clothes for a woman with breasts (which in my experience are a very normal and common thing for women to have).

 Tim Gunn is obviously still a gem of a human being though.

Tim Gunn is obviously still a gem of a human being though.

 

The truth is, the fashion industry is very hostile towards titties. Take, for instance, fashion model Jourdan Dunn, who wasn’t allowed to walk for Dior because her boobs were too big.

00dunn

And we see the effects of this even outside the world of “high fashion.” Every big-boobied lady knows the struggles. All the cute lacy bras are in the little sizes, the only “modest” neckline is a turtleneck, and button-up shirts do that thing.

We live in a society that can 3-d print organs, but we can’t fix this?

We live in a society that can 3-d print organs, but we can’t fix this?

 

I’m sure we’re all aware that little breasted ladies have to deal with their own trials and tribulations as well. Don’t worry little titmice, I get it.

 It’s tough.

It’s tough.

 

But can you imagine the struggles of the ladies who are bigger than a D cup? Have you even seen a G or H cup bra for sale at Target? Because the lack of such bras is not due to the lack of G and H cup women, it’s due to a lack of interest in making such bras easily available.

And let’s not pretend that this is limited only to the fashion industry. I used to know a girl with a pretty big set of lung protectors, and she mentioned once how, at a mock interview, the interviewer told her, flat out, “you have to accept that women in your position are more susceptible to looking unprofessional. A shirt that clings like that would not be acceptable.”

I mean, she was wearing a suit, but society has still deemed this specific body part to be unprofessional. It’s worrisome.

And I think that we all know the dirty little secret behind this, which is that our society’s rejection of all things “chubby” has extended even to boobs, the two things which are supposedly allowed to be large on a lady.

But, you know, it might be a little more insidious than that. Boobs are a handy symbol of femininity. A happy bouncy fun symbol of femininity. And the lesson we’re giving to those members of the nitty gritty titty committee is that their boobs should be enjoyed by everybody but them. Yes, big boobs are fine for porn and movies and comic books, but Lord knows we aren’t gonna actually allow them out in the real world!

But Amy Schumer and her boobs continue to make the world a better place.

But Amy Schumer and her boobs continue to make the world a better place.

 

So my point is not that I don’t think big boobs are great, it’s that I think that everybody knows that they’re great, but society’s dumb standards towards women and bodies has trapped us in the no-win scenario of telling ladies that their badonkadonks are shameful, need to be hidden, and are generally unacceptable. The question we have to ask is—who wins from this? What monster benefits from beautiful boobies being hidden away and trapped in beige, ill-fitting bra prisons?

Nobody does. My point is, it’s stupid. Boobs are delightful and wonderful, and we need to stop punishing ladies for having them.

 I’m sure you were all eagerly awaiting a nip pic.

I’m sure you were all eagerly awaiting a nip pic.

 

-Rachel Sudbeck

Is There Love for “Ugly” Ladies?
In which I encourage all hot guys to come hang out with me.

Fun fact about me—my first job was at a grocery store in Nebraska. I still work up there during school breaks and stuff, but I spent most of high school behind a register.

Spend enough time working anywhere, and you’ll start to get some regulars. It’s just inevitable. Most grocery store regulars are like, angry old people or “extreme couponers” though, so you don’t tend to look forward to their visits that much.

But every once in a while you get some genuinely nice people. There was this young couple that used to come through my line all the time, and they were just wonderful. I can’t think of any specific incidents demonstrating how nice they are, but I think everyone who’s ever worked a customer service job knows the distinction between people who talk at you and people who talk to you. These people were so close to actual friends that I could swear around them.

The husband was, in all sincerity, probably one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. He didn’t even look like a real person. It was like an Abercrombie and Fitch model had gotten stuck in Nebraska and realized he needed some cereal. He had that fluffy kind of hair, a very specific type of jaw line, and sleeve tattoos (a.k.a. the most attractive thing a man can do to his forearms). It was, like, insane how beautiful he was.

Sort of like this, but happier and with a shirt on.

Sort of like this, but happier and with a shirt on.

 

His wife, meanwhile—and I will not mince words here—was…large. She just was. She was a large woman. Not like, that hourglass sort-of-curvy-big-titties kind of woman either, but the kind of woman who gets dirty looks and has middle-aged moms peeking into her shopping cart so they can judge her for buying non-diet soda.

And every time they came in, I wanted to give this woman a quiet fist bump while her husband’s back was turned, because she was married to a man who looked like he’d been Photoshopped. I do not know how she snapped that up, but she snapped. That. Up.

Like, imagine this guy is asking you which aisle the soup is in.

Like, imagine this guy is asking you which aisle the soup is in.

 

 Imagine this guy’s coupon has expired.

Imagine this guy’s coupon has expired.

 

Imagine this guy has a recipe that calls for chopped garlic, but he wants to know if you think that minced garlic would work instead.

Imagine this guy has a recipe that calls for chopped garlic, but he wants to know if you think that minced garlic would work instead.

 

And here’s sort of the guilty little secret that doesn’t really paint me in the best light, but I really wanted to know how. Like, was she skinnier when they started dating? Was he fatter? Did she make a lot of money? Did he need American citizenship? Was it a fetish thing?

But really, why did I want to know? There were a million and one couples who would come through my line that were the reverse—an ugly guy and his hot wife. But I didn’t really think about them.

And I think the issue here is that we are raised not to question this.

00000

Or this.

0000000

Or this.

00000000

Or this (I could go on).

000000000

But we are sure as hell expected to question this.

0000000000

 

Something I’ve been thinking about is that I very rarely see relationships that make me think, “that guy can do better,” but I see a million and one relationships where I think, “oh, man, that girl can do so much better.” And I think the issue is that men are given the message that they deserve a hot woman, even a woman who is far and beyond that guy’s own level of hotness, while women are given the message that they should “settle.”

Ladies should look for “nice guys,” should “give geeks a chance,” should stop being so shallow. Like, how many movie and TV show plotlines hinge on the woman learning that she should stop dating dumb hot guys who don’t respect her or whatever, and start dating nerdy ugly guys who put her on a pedestal?

Ahem.

Ahem.

 

this is my secret alt text cuz I just figured out how to do that.

AHEM.

 

So the lesson that audiences get is that guys deserve hot girls and girls deserve…okay guys. Men are encouraged to date women who are out of their league, and women are encouraged to go with whatever guy is willing to have them.

 

 I mean, she’s literally the prize you get for finishing the game.

I mean, she’s literally the prize you get for finishing the game.

 

Let’s go back to that grocery store couple. This woman was a wonderful human being. She was nice and smart and witty. She and her husband had a great rapport and a lot of obvious love between them. He was always kissing her and holding her and laughing at her bad jokes. I was shocked to learn that they’d been married for ten years; they acted so much like newlyweds.

Or maybe I was just shocked to see a man acting like he was the luckiest guy on earth to be married to someone who–according to everything my teenage mind had seen or heard or read—did not deserve to find love.

So let’s acknowledge, for a moment, how messed up all of this is. And I don’t mean in the sense of “oh yeah media is sexist and that’s bad oh well the world is an unfair place.” I think everybody is sort of dimly aware that movies and tv aren’t necessarily super great at portraying women, but we have to look at how pervasive this has become. It’s a weird creepy part of our culture; a hundred million people have written a hundred million essays about it, and we all know that it’s bad. But I worry that this trope has become sort of like a racist grandma—we know it’s problematic but we figure we can’t really fix it, so we just accept that that’s how things are. My point is, we need to be holding our media more accountable (and maybe our Grandmas, I don’t know) and we need to be aware that this is happening and that it is hella weird and creepy and needs to stop. It’s not acceptable. The end.

My parents read this blog.

My parents read this blog.

 

-Rachel Sudbeck

 

Gabourney Sidibe is Important

gabourey_sidibe

Gabourey Sidibe (GABB-UH-RAY SIDD-UH-BAY) is living everybody’s dream life sans the typical “dream body.” She’s beautiful and fabulous, and in her interviews she seems like a really cool person. (a.k.a. please be our friend, Gabby.)

Gabourey Sidibe got her first acting job with absolutely zero experience. At age 26 she went to a huge open audition at age and was given the lead role in Precious, which would later earn her almost universal accolades for her acting ability, along with an Oscar nomination for best actress.  In other words, she’s living the exact daydream we all had in middle school.

She is one of the few plus-sized actresses really in the game right now, and she’s using that exposure to encourage confidence in young girls. As as she said in her speech at the 2014 Gloria Awards, “It’s my good time, and my good life, despite what you think of me. I live my life, because I dare. I dare to show up when everyone else might hide their faces and hide their bodies in shame. I show up because I’m an asshole, and I want to have a good time.”

Gabby has dealt with more than her fair share of bullies and internet jerks, and she’s handled it with grace and aplomb. All you need to know is that, after numerous magazines and fans criticized her appearance at the 2014 Golden Globes, she made this tweet: “To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK

–Rachel

  • twitterfacebook